


Wolf vs. Hood

by shadowycat



Category: Fairy Tales and Related Fandoms
Genre: Gen, Humor, One Shot, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-01
Updated: 2011-09-01
Packaged: 2017-10-23 07:46:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/247888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowycat/pseuds/shadowycat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Claiming to be unjustly accused of far too many vile criminal acts, The Big Bad Wolf takes Little Red Riding Hood and her Granny to court to set the record straight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wolf vs. Hood

Excited whispers filled the air as a large colorful crowd packed itself into the little used courtroom and fought over the best seats. No one wanted to miss even a moment of this unexpected and historic event.

Suddenly, anticipation swelled higher as a lacquered door opened and a tall, silver-haired man in black robes came through it, heading for the solitary bench that sat at the front of the room.

Before taking his seat, the judge glanced out at his audience, rapped his gavel sharply against a wooden dish that sat on his desk and took up a sheaf of papers that had been waiting for his perusal.

“All right, settle down now,” said the judge as he adjusted his glasses. “We’re here to determine the true facts of the case of B. B. Wolf vs. Granny and Little Red Riding Hood. Mr. Wolf is protesting the ending of the tale and his portrayal within it as a vile would-be murderer, trespasser, burglar and way-layer of young girls.”

The judge raised his eyes from the papers in his hands and scanned the group of beings seated before him.

“Since this hearing is being held at your request, we’ll start with you, shall we, Mr. Wolf. State your full name for the court, please.”

A large gray wolf wearing a snazzy green tartan vest sat up straight in his seat at the front of the room and spoke in an earnest voice, “My name is Beloved Boy Wolf.”

The courtroom erupted in a chorus of snickers and snorts as everyone elbowed each other and rolled their eyes in response to this outrageous statement.

The judge raised an eyebrow and addressed the wolf. “Beloved Boy Wolf? The court papers have you listed as Big Bad Wolf. It seems there’s been an error somewhere.”

The wolf nodded mournfully and gave a long suffering sigh. “Yes, I know what the papers say, but I assure you Your Honor, sir, it’s all lies. Though I will admit to being a bit… sensitive… about my real name, as who wouldn’t be with a name such as mine.” He looked to the judge for agreement.

The judge shrugged with some sympathy and gestured for him to continue.

“You see, I’ve always gone by the name B. B. Wolf. For many years, it seemed the easiest thing to do, and it never caused me any harm. It always seemed to me that only my dear old mother should have the right to call me Beloved Boy anyway.” He turned in his seat and wiggled his fingers at an elderly wolf lady who was sitting in the back looking worried. She immediately brightened and waved fondly back.

The judge cleared his throat and the wolf turned back to the front and continued, “But after a time, my accusers began to twist my name for their own uses, calling me Big Bad Wolf. Naturally, with all the lies they were spreading, the name stuck. People are always willing to believe the worst, you know. However, I assure you that if you check my birth records you’ll discover that my real, true, legal name is Beloved Boy Wolf… Esquire.”

The judge raised yet another eyebrow at that final addition, but the wolf merely stared innocently back through the twinkling lenses of his wire spectacles.

Nodding thoughtfully, the judge said, “All right, Beloved Boy Wolf… Esquire. For the purposes of this inquiry we’ll just refer to you as Mr. Wolf. Will that be acceptable?”

The wolf nodded in return. “Perfectly, Your Honorableness, sir.”

“Excellent. Now, as things are currently laid out in the story, you stand accused of luring Little Red Riding Hood off the path to her grandmother’s house, abandoning her in the dark woods, racing off to her grandmother’s cottage, forcing your way inside, and then consuming the cottage’s sole occupant, the before mentioned grandmother.

“Then it is alleged that you lay in wait for Red Riding Hood to find her way out of the woods and enter the cottage where you attempted to devour her as well and were only stopped by the sudden intervention of a passing woodsman, who also miraculously rescued your first victim, Red Riding Hood’s grandmother. Is this a fair representation of the story?”

The wolf looked highly disgruntled as he gave a reluctant nod and stated in a huffy voice, “It is indeed the way the story now goes, Your Worthiness, sir, but I assure you that’s not at all the way it really happened.”

“I see. Well, this hearing is being held to determine the truth in this matter, and it makes sense to begin with the tale in its current publicly accepted version. This is a highly unusual situation in Fairytale Court, you know. We are much more familiar with the happily ever after scenario here than with mediating disputes amongst the participating characters. Most of those cast as the villains of their respective pieces are quite content to bask in the glory of their wickedness.” The judge leaned closer and spoke in a confidential tone. “It’s common knowledge that they get all the really good lines, you know. Not to mention hazardous duty pay.”

The Wolf merely sighed and shook his shaggy head.

Straightening up, the judge continued, “However, since you have petitioned the court to reopen the tale and revise its contents, I propose to let everyone tell their side of the story. I will then turn it over to the jury to decide what version of the story will be released once more to the public. But I have to tell you, Mr. Wolf, this is one of the older and more respected fairytales. It won’t be easy to convince people to look at it differently.”

The wolf shot a hasty look towards the jury box and was less than reassured to find it quite full of poultry and small tasty woodland creatures.

“I’m sure that’s true, Your Worshipfulness, sir,” he replied, “but I must protest that I am the true victim here, and it’s simply not right for this tissue of lies to continue to be the publicly offered version of the story. My reputation has been unfairly sullied, and I mean to rectify that.”

A rather rude and disbelieving snort was heard to come from the left of where the wolf was seated, and all eyes turned towards the small figure of a girl in a lovely red cape.

“Ah, Miss Hood. You stand to lose the most by the rewriting of this tale, being its title character and all. I take it that you disagree with Mr. Wolf’s petition for changes?” The judge focused on the girl expectantly.

“Absolutely!” the petite girl exclaimed, shaking her golden head and smiling sweetly up at the judge. “Mr. Wolf is sadly deluded to think that by any stretch of the imagination he could be considered the victim here as anyone should know if they’ve read the story. I mean, just look at him. Look at all those sharp teeth, those beady, cruel eyes, those dangerous claws, those furry muscles.”

The wolf closed his mouth with a snap and tried his best to look weak and pitiful, blinking his eyes blearily behind his thick lenses.

Red Riding Hood cast a withering glance at the slouching Wolf before turning back to the judge. “Everyone knows that wolves are naturals as villains; just ask the Three Little Pigs or that shepherd boy, Peter or Brer Rabbit, they’ll all tell you that wolves simply cannot be trusted. It’s a well known fact, and really, how could a small, defenseless girl like me possibly be able to victimize a huge, ferocious wolf like him anyway? The very idea is laughable.”

“You didn’t do it alone,” the disgruntled wolf muttered softly, lashing his tail in annoyance.

Red Riding Hood tossed her curls haughtily and glared at the wolf before returning her attention to the watching judge. “I’m not even sure why we’re here wasting our time. This story was written and published ages and ages ago. Everyone knows that the wolf causes all the trouble in the story. Even people who haven’t taken the time to read it know that much. Mr. Wolf is seriously deluded if he thinks he can change any minds at this late date. If we can be re-written then what literary piece is sacred?”

The judge sat back in his seat and considered the girl thoughtfully. “I’m afraid that most fairytales, while perhaps considered to be classics of a sort are seldom held up to any particular standard as great literature. In fact, fairytales are revised and retold with new twists all the time, Miss Hood. Look at how quickly the Little Mermaid went from a tragic figure with a doomed love to happily ever after once the Mouse got his hands on her? I’m afraid that no tale is immutable, but rest assured, we will investigate this case thoroughly before sanctioning any changes to your story.”

Red Riding Hood nodded shortly, not looking at all pleased with the judge’s assurances.

“All right. Now, Miss Hood please tell the court in your own words how your tale unfolded.”

Red Riding Hood got to her feet, pulled her red velvet hood up over her golden curls and turned to smile at her audience.

“Certainly. My dear sweet grandmother was ill, and I wanted to make her feel better, so I was taking her a present of cake and wine. Her home is on the other side of the deep, dark woods where Mr. Wolf lives, but I knew nothing of him or the danger he represented at that point and was simply told by my mother to take the path through the woods as quickly as possible. Which I had every intention of doing, I assure you.

“I hadn’t been walking very long when Mr. Wolf popped out from behind a tree and began to ask me questions. Where was I going? What was I carrying? Where did my grandmother live? He was really very nosy, but having been taught good manners by my loving mother, I attempted to answer him politely.”

The Wolf rolled his eyes at this but refrained from saying anything.

“He managed to convince me that my grandmother would be cheered up even more if I brought her a bouquet of wildflowers in addition to the cake and wine. It sounded reasonable to me, and he was ever so quick to point out where some truly lovely flowers were growing here and there deep beneath the trees.”

She gave a theatrical sigh and appealed to the judge winsomely. “I know it was wrong of me not to heed my mother’s warning and simply stay on the woodland path and go directly on to Granny’s, but the flowers were so pretty and my grandmother was so sick that it was quite easy for the wolf to prey on my gentle nature and lead me astray.

“In no time, I was totally lost amongst the thick trees and the wolf had disappeared as if he’d never been there at all. Of course, I was scared to death! How horrid to be lost in the deep, dark woods. I was filled with remorse for not listening to my dear mother and sure that I would never see my beloved Granny again.” Red Riding Hood paused and wiped a stray tear from her exquisite cheek.

The audience sighed sympathetically and began to glare at the wolf who simply sat there and shook his head sadly.

“How did you find your way out of your dilemma?” asked the judge.

Red twinkled happily at the judge. “Well, fortunately for me, the Big Bad Wolf wasn’t…”

The wolf jumped to his feet and addressed the judge sharply, “Your Majesty, sir, I thought we’d established that Big Bad Wolf is not my name and shouldn’t be used to describe me in these proceedings.”

The judge nodded in agreement. “Quite right, Mr. Wolf. Would you rephrase, Miss Hood?”

“I’m so sorry, Your Honor,” murmured Red Riding Hood, casting an exasperated glance at the wolf. “Anyway, as I was saying… fortunately for me, the large gray wolf with the less than helpful suggestions wasn’t the only creature in the woods that day. I was guided safely back onto the path by a sweet pair of bluebirds.” At this, she turned and waved at two bright blue birds seated on perches near the jury box. The birds immediately fluffed up their feathers and tried to look important as Red turned back to the judge.

“Once I was back on the path, I hurried off to my grandmother’s house just as fast as my legs could carry me.”

“When you regained the path was the wolf still around?” asked the judge.

“Oh, no, Your Honor. He’d run off to Granny’s the second I disappeared into the woods. He simply wanted to delay me so that he could gobble her up before I arrived. Then he could feast on both of us, the greedy thing.” She shot a nasty look at the wolf, who immediately jumped to his feet once more.

“I object, Your Saintlyness, sir! That is simply not true at all.”

The judge raised an eyebrow and stared down at the wolf. “Oh? Were you still there in the woods when Miss Hood found her way back to the path?”

The wolf hesitated slightly. “Well… no, I wasn’t… but…”

“Aha!” exclaimed Red Riding Hood triumphantly.

The wolf glared daggers at her. “As you well know, I wasn’t in the woods any longer because you told me that I should go ahead of you because your grandmother wanted to see me as soon as possible. And it was your own idea to go off and pick flowers in under the trees. I warned you that you could become lost, but did you listen? Oh, no.”

Red rolled her eyes and appealed to the judge. “Oh, Your Honor, that’s ridiculous. My grandmother certainly didn’t know this wolf. Why would I tell him to go to her house? And if I hadn’t been lured astray by his persuasive tongue, I never would have left the path at all. It was only my fervent wish to please my poor sick Granny that allowed me to be so wickedly led astray.”

“Ha!” exclaimed the wolf, crossing his arms and lashing his tail.

The judge looked from one of them to the other before asking the wolf, “Do you have any proof that Miss Hood told you her grandmother wanted to see you, Mr. Wolf?”

The wolf fidgeted uncomfortably. “Well, no, I don’t, but she did! She said that she was so glad to see me because her grandmother had been looking all over for a wolf like me, and she was sure that Granny would want to see me right away.”

“Did she say why?”

The wolf scratched at his ear with an air of mild embarrassment. “Um…she said that her grandmother was a painter, and that she needed a handsome gray wolf to pose for her.”

Red Riding Hood laughed. “That’s preposterous. My grandmother has never been a painter, Your Honor. Ask anyone who knows her.”

“Well, of course it was a lie,” stated the wolf shortly, “but I didn’t know that at the time, now, did I?”

Red Riding Hood shrugged and looked back at the judge who frowned thoughtfully and addressed the wolf again. “So you have no evidence to present that would prove whose idea it was for you to run off to her grandmother’s house and leave Red Riding Hood in the woods alone?”

The wolf looked sad. “No, Your Nobleness, I guess I don’t.”

“All right,” said the judge. “At this point in the story, regardless of how they got there, everyone was converging on grandmother’s house, am I correct about that?”

“Yes, sir,” said Red pertly.

The wolf nodded in agreement. “Yes, Your Magnificence, sir.”

“Very well, then I propose that we should now hear from Red Riding Hood’s grandmother. Is she in the courtroom?”

Everyone looked around to see a small elderly woman with bright white hair and a sweet smile get to her feet.

“I’m here, Your Honor,” she said, beaming pleasantly around her.

“Excellent. How should the court address you, madam?”

“Oh, everyone always just calls me Granny, that’ll be fine, Your Honor.”

“Very well, Granny. Would you tell the court in your own words exactly what happened when Mr. Wolf knocked at your door?”

“Of course, I will. I’m certainly never going to forget it. I’d been feeling quite weak and ill for the better part of a week, and I’d taken to my bed to try to recover. I was just lying there wishing for a visit from my favorite granddaughter, when I heard a knock on the door. I don’t get many visitors, so naturally I thought that it must have been Red Riding Hood come to cheer up her dear old Granny. So I called out for whoever was there to lift the latch and come in.

“Naturally I was both astonished and frightened when instead of my darling granddaughter, in came a ferocious wolf! He wasted no time in leaping onto my bed and gobbling me up in one bite. Suddenly, I found myself imprisoned in his big, dark stomach. I was terrified. It seemed like an eternity until a passing woodsman heard Red’s call for help and came and cut open the wolf’s stomach to release me.”

The wolf spread his arms in supplication and rolled his eyes at the ceiling. “Oh, Your Fantasticalness, sir! I ask you, does this sound likely to you?”

“It’s what happened,” Granny snapped tartly as she adjusted her shawl and smiled ingratiatingly at the judge. “Both my granddaughter and the woodsman can corroborate my story.”

“Of course, they can, but since you’ve all taken the time to coordinate your stories, I really don’t see how that proves anything,” sniped the wolf.

As the audience watched in amazement, the wolf suddenly opened his mouth very wide, showing all of his incredibly sharp teeth. Then, once he’d received everyone’s attention, he closed his mouth with a snap. “Surely none of you can believe that I could possibly eat anyone without taking a single bite out of them? What would the point be of that? My mother taught me proper table manners. I always chew my food multiple times before swallowing it. I never simply swallow a large animal whole. It would give me indigestion.”

“I can only assume,” said Granny sniffily, “that you wanted to take both me and my granddaughter somewhere more private where you could eat us both without fear of discovery.”

The wolf drew himself up haughtily. “Madam, you are somehow mistaking me for someone who is responsible for feeding the young. I am a lone wolf. I do not consume food and regurgitate it at a later time. If I choose to eat something…it stays eaten.”

“Then how do you explain that long scar on your stomach?” Granny asked as she eyed the wolf shrewdly.

The wolf rubbed a self-conscious hand across his stomach and looked sad. “You’re quite right to attribute this scar to the woodsman with his axe, but it certainly wasn’t made because he was trying to rescue either you or your granddaughter.”

“Now that’s a point,” said the judge as he ruffled through his sheaf of papers. “Was Red Riding Hood also allegedly consumed by Mr. Wolf in this tale? I seem to see a lack of uniformity on this point.”

Red Riding Hood smiled at the judge and stepped forward. “This is one of the minor points on which the story can vary, Your Honor. However, for the sake of this hearing, we can assume that I was not devoured by the wolf at any time. Though I surely would have been if the gallant woodsman hadn’t answered my screams for help.”

The wolf sighed loudly and shook his head. The judge regarded the wolf thoughtfully over his spectacles. “All right, Mr. Wolf, since you seem to be disputing Granny’s version of events here, what do you say happened when you arrived at the cottage?”

The wolf got to his feet and began to speak, “I’d been rather flattered at the idea that someone might want to paint my portrait. No one had ever suggested such a thing before, and it sounded intriguing. So naturally I headed off to Granny’s house as quickly as I could once Red assured me that she wasn’t likely to be lost in the woods and would be along directly.”

Now it was Red Riding Hood’s turn to shake her head, though she refrained from speaking.

“Once I’d reached the somewhat isolated cottage where Granny lived, I went and knocked on the door. I was immediately told to enter, so I lifted the latch and went in. Far from being in bed, Granny was sitting at her table wearing a robe and fluffy bunny slippers.

“She seemed very happy to see me. I told her that her granddaughter had sent me, telling me that she needed a painter’s model. She immediately agreed, saying that she was doing a series of paintings of forest animals in human dwellings and asked me if I’d be willing to put on a nightcap and get into her bed so that she could paint my picture.”

The judge raised a skeptical eyebrow. “You’re saying that Granny asked you to dress in her clothes and get into her bed?”

“Only the nightcap, Your Eminence, sir.” The wolf shrugged. “I know it seems a bit unlikely, but after what Red had told me it seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. Don’t painter’s models often wear costumes and pose for fantastic scenes?”

“Hmmm,” said the judge. “Well, I suppose they do at that. Very well… continue please.”

“Certainly, Your Excellency, sir. Once I’d crawled into her bed and lay down, Granny tucked me in… very, very tightly. I could hardly move a muscle, but I didn’t protest as she said that it wouldn’t take long but she needed the blankets to be smooth because she wasn’t very good at painting drapery with wrinkles.

“I hadn’t been in the bed more than a few moments, just long enough to begin to wonder where Granny’s paints were, when Red Riding Hood came in without bothering to knock. She saw me in the bed with Granny’s cap on and immediately began yelling for help. Not even a ‘is there a problem here?’ or a ‘why is the wolf in your bed, Granny?’ Nope. She just looked at me and began to scream as if she was being murdered.” He turned to the rapt audience and said emphatically, “Which I assure you she was not!”

The audience began to murmur at the wolf’s words… but whether from sympathy or disbelief, it wasn’t possible to know.

“I was shocked, but before I could so much as open my mouth to ask why she was screaming, the door flew open and in came this huge man with an axe. He didn’t ask any questions either. Instead, he simply ran across the room and hauled me out of the bed. At this point, Granny screamed at him to remember that she didn’t want any blood on her rug, so the vicious man dragged me outside and threw me down on the ground. Naturally, I thought I was a goner. He raised his axe over his head and brought it down on my stomach. It cut through my flesh, but I managed to roll out of the way just in time to avoid being cleaved completely in two.

“Red Riding Hood and Granny came out of the cottage and began to egg the woodsman on, not that he seemed to need any encouragement, but then, just as I was preparing to breathe my last, seven little men with pickaxes came marching out of the woods singing some song about a hoe. Miners, I think they were.

“Anyway, no doubt shocked at coming upon such a horrific scene at the end of a long day of toil, they intervened, demanding an explanation for the woodsman’s actions. While they were all arguing, and waving sharp edged tools around, I took the opportunity to escape back into the woods and nurse my wounds. I only learned months afterward that Granny, Red and the woodsman had concocted this utter fairytale as an explanation for the little men, and by then it seemed to be too late to do anything about it. Everyone was quite convinced that they knew the truth of the matter, and so the tale has been told this way ever since, leaving my poor reputation in tatters.”

“I see,” said the judge. “Well, this does put a different light on the proceedings. However, there’s still one of the principals in the story whom we haven’t heard from yet. Is the passing woodsman in the courtroom?”

A large man with a beard got to his feet and swept his cap from his head to twist it around in his big hands while addressing the judge respectfully. “Here, Your Honor.”

“Ah, good. State your name for the court if you would, please. All the records I have simply refer to you as passing woodsman, I’m afraid.”

“Yes, well, there’s a reason for that. You see, my real name is Aberthwaite Dumsuckle.” As the audience tittered behind their hands, the woodsman blushed profusely and continued, “Could we just continue to refer to me as the woodsman, Your Honor. I’d really be much obliged.”

The judge nodded sympathetically. “Certainly. As long as we all know who we’re talking about, I see no problem with everyone sticking to the names they’re most comfortable with. Now, Mr. Woodsman, would you kindly relate your part in this tale for us all to hear.”

The woodsman nodded and continued to twist and turn his shapeless cap in his hands as if they were missing something more substantial to hold. “Yes, sir. I’d been chopping wood in a clearing that just happened to be fairly close to Red Riding Hood’s grandmother’s cottage. I was through for the day and on my way home when I heard Red call out for help.

“When I arrived at the cottage, I found Red screaming that the Big Bad Wolf had eaten her grandmother and was trying to eat her as well. There was this very large gray wolf, wearing a nightcap, and snarling menacingly from across the room. I wasted no time in grabbing him and pulling him outside the cottage and away from Red.

“We struggled. The wolf was immensely strong.”

The wolf sat up straighter at this and subtly flexed his arm muscles.

“But he was no match for the blade of my axe,” said the woodsman with a nasty grin.

“In fact, as soon as I slit open his stomach, he just lay there like a limp tablecloth while I managed to pull Granny out again. I was surprised to find her still alive myself, but apparently he just swallowed her whole, and since she hadn’t been down there for more than a couple of minutes, she was still in good shape… though a bit out of breath.

“Before I could actually kill the wolf, we were interrupted by this group of little men. The confusion they caused allowed the wolf to creep off into the forest, as he said, but except for that one bit, his story is as false as any I’ve ever heard.”

“Hmmmm,” said the judge thoughtfully. “Actually, in no version of the story do the group of miners ever get mentioned, and most of the time, it is clearly stated that you ended up killing the Big Ba…ur…Mr. Wolf. How do you explain this discrepancy?”

“Well, the little miners were under contract to another fairytale, Your Honor, and they told me that for legal reasons they couldn’t afford to show up in yet another story so they asked not to be mentioned. In fact, they apologized profusely for interrupting at the climatic moment. As for the wolf himself… well, he was gone by this point, but we didn’t want any of the little children who would read this story to spend time worrying that they might be in danger from this vicious creature, besides with his stomach slit open, we didn’t think he was too likely to survive.”

“Hmph,” muttered the wolf in annoyance. “Shows what you know. A trip to the Brave Little Tailor, and I was as good as new again.”

The judge sat back in his chair and slowly rubbed his chin with his hand as he considered what he’d heard. “I guess that covers all the various versions of the story. I must say they don’t agree well at all, but there’s very little evidence to cast doubt on either one of them.

“Although Mr. Wolf is always portrayed as being killed in the end of the tale, here he sits hale and hardy, which would tend to support his version of events.”

The wolf smiled broadly.

“However, Mr. Wolf himself freely admits to meeting up with Red Riding Hood and then leaving her alone in the woods while he sped off to Granny’s house so that he could get there before her, which would support the classic version of the tale.”

Red smiled and winked at the judge, who refrained from commenting and continued, “Does anyone else have anything to add before I turn the case over to the jury to decide?”

Mr. Wolf got to his feet. “I do, Your Most Specialness, sir. The woodsman clearly implies that he was not in anyway connected to Granny and Red before he heard Red call for help and he rushed to her aid, does he not? He was just passing by is what he always says.”

“Yes, I suppose he does,” agreed the judge.

“Could we in fact, ask him if this is a fair statement?”

“I don’t see why not. Mr. Woodsman, did you know either Granny or Red before this incident where you saved their lives?”

“Allegedly saved their lives, Your Greatness, sir.” The wolf pointed out with a raised claw.

The judge frowned impatiently at being corrected. “Yes, all right, allegedly saved their lives.”

The woodsman fidgeted with his cap once more and strived to look trustworthy. “No, sir. I’d never met either one of them before. I was just passing by. It was just a lucky accident of fate.”

The judge turned back to the wolf and found him smiling triumphantly. “I’d like to call a final witness, if I may, Your Justice, sir.”

“And who would that be, Mr. Wolf?” the judge asked curiously. He didn’t think that anyone else had been involved in the story.

“Mr. Constantine Pelage.”

At the sound of this name, Red, Granny and the woodsman all turned around quickly with worried looks on their faces and quietly watched a small, dark, sharp-featured man enter the room and cross to stand next to Mr. Wolf at the front. He was wearing a rather magnificent fur jacket that had no doubt once belonged to one of Mr. Wolf’s relatives.

“Mr. Wolf, since this is your witness, I’ll leave the questioning of him up to you,” said the judge.

“Thank you, Your Munificence, sir.” With that, the wolf turned to the small dark man and asked, “Please state your occupation, Mr. Pelage.”

“I’m a furrier. I deal in furs and pelts of all kinds.”

“By dealing in them you mean, buy them and sell them?”

“Yes, sir,” the little man said. “And may I just say that you have a lovely coat yourself… really top notch.”

The wolf smiled thinly. “Thank you, but I intend to hang onto it a while longer, if you don’t mind.”

“Of course.” Mr. Pelage smiled amiably and shrugged.

“Anyway, Mr. Pelage, the woodsman has told this court that before he happened to wander past Granny’s cottage on the fateful day of my visit, they had never met. To your knowledge, is this true?”

Mr. Pelage smiled and shook his head. “Oh, no. As a matter of fact, they’ve been two of my best suppliers for many, many years. As I understand it, they had a system all worked out. Granny would lure some furry unsuspecting woodland creature into her cottage and then call for help. That was the cue for the woodsman to burst in, say he was just passing by, and dispatch the creature on the pretext of saving Granny’s life. They’ve been pulling if off for ages, quite profitably, too.”

He paused and nodded confidentially to the judge. “You see, Your Honor, this way they could get around the hunting quotas. It’s not really hunting if you’re saving someone’s life by killing a dangerous animal.”

“Yes, indeed,” murmured the judge as he threw a speculative glance at the nervous seeming Granny and the woodsman. “What sort of pelts did they generally bring to you, Mr. Pelage?”

“Oh, all sorts,” the little man said with a smile, “but mostly wolves and fairly large foxes. Lovely pelts, too… expertly skinned… always used a stomach cut.”

The wolf nodded in agreement and pointed emphatically towards his own scarred stomach.

“Your Honor,” exclaimed Granny indignantly. “This is a preposterous pack of lies! Surely you can’t believe that someone with my solid reputation in the fairytale community would stoop to such brazen entrapment? I am a heroine. Ask anyone.”

Granny stuck her nose in the air, crossed her arms and looked out over the watching crowd to try to gauge their opinions. The suspicious and bewildered looks she saw returned were not very comforting.

“Do you have any proof of your charge, Mr. Pelage?” asked the judge.

“Certainly, Your Honor.” The small man pulled a pile of narrow tickets out of a pocket and stepped forward to hand them to the judge. As the judge leaned down and took the tickets, Mr. Pelage explained their significance.

“These are all my receipts for the goods that Granny and the woodsman sold me over the years. As you can see, the receipts go back quite a long way, and they always got top dollar for the pelts they sold. As I said, they were two of my best suppliers.”

The judge examined the pile of tickets that the furrier had given to him in silence while a wave of excited murmuring flowed from one end of the courtroom to the other. Finally, he raised his head and frowned across at Granny and the woodsman. “All of these receipts are made out to Dumsuckle and Hood for rather large amounts of money.”

The judge held up one of the tickets so that it could be viewed by the audience, at least the members of it who had exceptionally sharp eyesight. “Each of the receipts is signed by Granny Hood of cottage by the woodland path, and Aberthwaite Dumsuckle of the nearest deforested clearing. Are these indeed your signatures, Granny? Woodsman?”

Granny and the woodsman exchanged defeated glances and then Granny turned back to the judge and nodded. “Yes, sir, Your Honor. Those are our signatures. We did sell a few…”

The judge fanned out the receipts and ran his finger along the edge of the substantial handful.

Granny gulped, stopped, and began again. “Okay, we sold Mr. Pelage quite a few fur pelts over a number of years, but that alone doesn’t mean that the rest of our story isn’t true! Mr. Wolf did get my granddaughter lost in the woods, and he did come to my cottage and eat me up and the woodsman did show up and save my life. All of that happened exactly the way it’s spelled out in the story. I swear it did.”

“But you and the woodsman did know each other, and you had been in business together for years?”

Granny nodded. “Well, yes. We met quite by accident. I was attacked by a vicious wolf one day as I was working in my garden. The woodsman came to my rescue just as we said in the story. He killed the wolf and skinned it. We weren’t quite sure what to do with the lovely pelt at first. Then I happened to notice an advertisement in the newspaper that a Mr. Pelage was buying furs at very generous prices. So we took the pelt to him.

“One thing led to another, and it soon became apparent that we could make much more money selling pelts than the woodsman could make from chopping wood or I could make by selling my jams.”

“So you went into business together.”

Granny nodded reluctantly. “Yes, Your Honor, you could say that.”

The audience erupted into a chorus of angry mutterings, and the wolf was hard pressed to smother a smile.

Granny stood up straighter and addressed the judge again. “Your Honor, the only reason we didn’t mention our prior relationship in the story was to give it more impact. We felt that the woodsman would appear more heroic if he simply charged to the rescue from out of nowhere. It also heightened the tension in the tale if the reader didn’t think there would be any hope of rescue. Call it… artistic license…”

“Call it fraud!” exclaimed the wolf indignantly.

“The rest of the story is true!” Granny pleaded with the judge. “The wolf did burst into my cottage and swallow me whole, and the woodsman saved my life and that of my innocent granddaughter.”

“Hmmm…” The judge regarded the flustered woman through narrow eyes. “But you don’t have any proof of that, do you?”

Granny opened her mouth but no words came out. She exchanged sorrowful glances with Red and the woodsman, but neither of them had anything more to offer, either. Finally, Granny shook her head. “No, Your Honor, I guess I don’t.”

As Granny sank down into her chair, the judge sighed and sat up straighter in his. “Very well, if there is no more evidence to be presented, I will turn this case over to the jury and let them discuss it.”

Despite much fluttering, squawking and chittering, the jury took a scant three minutes to turn in a verdict in favor of the wolf, who looked immensely gratified as the judge ordered that the fairytale be stripped from all the books where it was currently printed so that it could be substantially re-written to reflect the truth of the matter. Then he banged his gavel on the bench and dismissed the court.

The room erupted into pandemonium as nimble reporters shoved each other aside in the race to be the first ones out of the courtroom so they could call their editors with the amazing news, and the general public milled around excitedly and professed their delight at this unexpected turn of events. Half of the crowd loudly exclaimed to the other half that they’d never really trusted that shifty Granny Hood while the other half nodded wisely and added that they’d always thought the wolf had a soulful, kindly look to him.

Flashbulbs popped madly as the newly heroic wolf posed for picture after picture while Granny, Red and the woodsman stood off to one side and stared glumly at him. Finally, muttering darkly about appealing the verdict, they trooped out of the courtroom in a huff. The wolf watched them go with an expression of satisfaction.

“That will teach you to cry wolf,” he murmured happily. “You just never know when one little lie might jump up and obscure a larger truth.”

Then he pulled a dog eared paper from the pocket of his vest and with a flourish of his pen, he crossed Granny and Red off his list. “So much for Little Red Riding Hood. Next up… the Three Little Pigs. After all, I could never blow down a whole house with my meager lung capacity.” He rubbed his scar thoughtfully. “I’m thinking… insurance scam… Yeah, that should work.” Chuckling gleefully to himself, the wolf, formerly known as Big Bad, pocketed his list and headed off to bask in the glow of his new image as a tragically maligned hero.


End file.
